irony at its finest

matches

Part 1

I thought you were a goodbye
but goodbyes dont make plans for sunday night.
so here I am begging my parents to let me go out on a day devoted to god


Part 2

I guess some goodbyes arent temporary,
sunday night plans fall through,
and parents have never been very reliable.

Today only a hint of the sun was seen through a sheet of clouds thicker than our regrets,
and honey, the planets just didn't align like we asked them to.
In 3 weeks you will be mars and I'll be saturn
too far apart to talk and with jupiter always getting in the way.
I always wished I could be jupiter, but I guess I will just take a rocket and see you in a couple light years.

I'll see you in a couple lightyears,
or maybe I'll just call.
because saturn was never your taste in a sight for sore eyes.

our sunday night plans fell through,
and you're still a goodbye.

8 hours isn't enough

Flesh wounds.

from eveything but the pavement.

I was taught how to fix broken hearts with tears and cuts with bandaids,

but I was never taught how to fix the mindset that caused flesh wounds.

But I heard scars make for good stories

and as for good stories,

that's how we got here.

tasteless

My throat is in knots.

Doing loops and loops and choking at the end of every sentance.

Relief comes with three doses of cough syrup and words that taste like honey.

But relief doesn't come until 6:00pm

and releif doesnt care about me that much.

side effects include: bruises and salt water

Lastly

I know it's a little late. 

But I think lately, I decided that's how I like things. 

I never thought my last words would be said on May 25th at 12:14pm

and I never considered May 28th to be a death date. 

To me, high school was a stepping stone.

A necessary torture to get the the next step in life. 

But there are some things that changed that assumption.

Like good music, sad hallways, regretful kissing, slow clocks, lost friendships, breathing, people who smile, art, open hearts, notes, rain on window pains, poetry, and Paris.

The list goes on

But I think high school was made to be a memory. 

I just want to say thank you for being a part of my new found memories.

Thank you for encouraging me to be an artist.

Thank you for making me laugh and making me cry. 

Thank you for lending me your eyes and your ears, I wish I could keep them a little longer. 

Thank you for putting pen to paper, never stop. 

Thank you.

I wish we could hold hands and sing about nostalgia and past lovers for a little longer,

But we are all a little too big for that now and we forgot how to hold hands 2 weeks ago. 

2 weeks ago it wasn't raining. 

2 weeks ago graduation wasn't even close enough to grab. 

2 weeks ago...

4 days 

Take a leap into the great perhaps.

Some things that were left unsaid:

-me and mckay aren't going to date or get married anytime soon, I'm sorry

-Madeline made me cry the day she read about Terik

-I've had a kinda crush on issac since the beginning of senior year, he is dating Natalie now and that is Also cool

-my art isn't even that good

-I want to be Sam Frazier when I grow up

-I actually will really miss this class and all the strings attached to it.

-I'm tired 

"It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me - said all at once"

here's to you, natty beth

Hey Natty.
Quick reminder that you are a lovely lovely person.
Oh, and you write incredibly amazing things.

I listened to your music the whole time I "analyzed" your blog and let me just say that you have incredible music taste.
(fav song: flood pt. 2 - The Acorn )
(also: Amsterdam - gregory alan isokov )

side note: you are amazing at playing music as well.

You are so real. and your words taste like honey.
evertime I read one of your posts, my heart skips 5 beats.
You are amazing.

side note: I really like all the cool tabs on your blog. there is so much there. all the photos.

here are my favorite quotes. ( I spent way too long linking all these )

-my smile was made with colors like jumper cables and car batteries. 
-and sick became the reason you didn't go to church.
-but dad called and I pretended that I didn't hear him.
-and my exhale sounds like the words "I'm done"
-I'll pray for your heartache and your heartbreak and your sorrow 7 years in advance
-I remember when I was young my mom told me that freckles on my nose were angel kisses.
-I've got heartburn. I've got heartburn because of you.
-It rains a lot at this train station. But that's how death likes it.
-I'm afraid of running out of ink and the cold side of the bed.

Side Note: I feel like your posts always start of so strong. and that is so hard to do. you always have something really amazing at the beginning of your posts. It's beautiful and unique. wishing I could do that.

Your blog is a solid 9.8/10
the only thing I wish there was is a variety in writing styles, experiment with how you write a little more. You could do an amazing job with that I know it.

You write things that break me into pieces like this.
And things that give me chills everytime like this.
And you write things that make me want to be your best friend like this.
And things that make me feel love like this
And you write things that have me reading it 20 times over again like this.
And old posts that still sound heavenly like this.

Natty, Overall you have an amazing blog. you are so so very talented. never forget that. and NEVER ever stop writing. ever. you are incredible and you have so so much passion. I have never felt anything more. your writing/blog is just pure bliss. You are gifted and you have so much inside of you. you are so much.

side note: I have seen your journal and that is also amazing. You are an amazing human being.

Your blog makes me feel like This song. and this song.
and it looks like this.



Love, Eleanor
Love, E. D.
Love, Eleanor D.
Love Always, Eleanor
Eleanor d.
[eleanor douglas]
eleanor
- Eleanor d
love, eleanor douglas
sincerely, your hearts
Love, Natty Beth
Love, Always, Eleanor
Love always, Natty Beth Taylor
Love, Forever, Eleanor Douglas
Love always, Natty B.
love always, your sister
Love, Natty B.

very unprofessional video

okay, I know it's bad.

sleep talking

I'm awake.
The window is open and the wind dancing on my face reminds me of
cold floors
blanket heaps
late night coca-cola cans
and hands numb from shaking.
I'm awake.
Friday nights are spent running on a cold empty mind
as I peacefully set my soul free.
I tell myself I'm sick from highschool hallways
and friends tired of trying
but i'm still awake.
1, 2, forget the 3
My wounds are continuing to heal with a little classical music
and I'm dragging my feet in decisions.
and yes, I'm still awake
Open your eyes because tomorrow we are flying north for spring.
stay awake.
stay awake.
stay.

and gold turns gray

We Sat there,
mostly silence.
I choked on words I never said.
I drowned in thoughts I Couldn't say.
I learned from you and your closed lips.

I learned people always have a good.
We are all good.
Some of us just lose it, some of us just forget it.
And there are some of us who only feel good when the morning is cold.

It's about half way through 10 o' clock and I still feel good.
But, I know it won't last
Because good always seems to disappear.
So let's cut our wrists open because that's what feels good.
Let's close our eyes, let's hold our breath, lets...

Good always gets confused with pain
And pain tends to gets confused with fear.

Don't fear good.
That's what you told me,
You told me in silent words.
Don't fear good.

hopeful thinking

Here's to hopes in healing.

I hope your hearts heal.
and I hope your red, tear stained eyes heal.
I hope your broken minds heal like broken bones.
I hope you're trying to heal.
but never let those beautiful people you've forgotten heal, they need to stay with us.

Here's to hopes in remembering.

I hope you remember that the future is usually brighter than your eyes.
and I hope you remember to stop and smell the roses.
Please remember to love. love everyone.
I hope you remember the living.
I hope you remember the dead.

Here's to hopes in searching.

I hope you're searching for yourself, because you don't need to know all the answers all the time.
just who you are.

Here's to hopes in forgiveness.

I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.

Here's to hopes in listening.

I hope you're listening to this world.
the rain, the wind, the awful blizzard outside,
and I especially hope you're listening to the people in it.

Here's to hopes in loving.

I hope you know that you're loved.
I hope you fall in love.
and I hope you love yourself.

gray x8

hi,
I'm a little blue sometimes,
blue like bruises and teardrops,
hi,
I'm a little red sometimes,
Red like cherries and sweet sweet kisses.

but you,
you are gray...gray like hurricanes.

today our eyes met for half a second.
one of those first kind of half a seconds.
one of those I might see you in 5 years kind of half a seconds.
and I saw it, hurricanes. 
It was beautifully tragic.
A mysterious rain, plenty of rain, honey how do your eyes hold so much rain?

You wear striped socks and a white smile plastered on your face, trying to hide all that gray.
We are all trying to hide.
The writing on your hands,
the slightly curved Mona Lisa smile,
the almost broken knuckles,
the oversized sweaters,
and those eyes
Screaming
Because nobody wants to be gray.

But, gray is so much more than just a color.

you are so much more than just a color.
and you're getting so much closer to 1am than I ever have.

I know you want to be army green or some sort of burnt sienna.
But we both know exactly why that isn't true.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say to you.
I don't know your story, or who you are.
I just think there is a little something more to everyone.

a little more to long car rides
a little more to fighting parents
a little more to chapped lips
a little more to you

I wonder what you see when you look outside at night,
when the trees are all bent over backwards,
when the moon looks like blood.

What do you see?

Gray.
All you can see is gray.

and I've lived my whole life not knowing how beautiful gray can be.

an ode to survival

We're the kind of people with gym floor bruises

With crushes since sophomore year and ambition running through our anxious minds. 

surviving.

lying to get out of family dinners and

Watching her head on his shoulder and his hand holding someone else's  heart.
Surviving.

Waiting for Sunday's because they are for driving around these tangled streets, just to feel the desolate silence we all seem to forget.

We always seem to forget.

for all those "not my day" days

And "I'm okay" days

Surviving 

 Sometimes we chase cars and play with God mind, but only because we're bored. 

We fear ourselves more than this world.
Walking these streets with messy heads full of stress and with cigarettes as conversations starters.

Surviving.

And right now, earth is about 62 Billion miles away from thinking.
and the process is stuck in 123's and the pronouns are all mixed up.

Every single step taken starts to be something insignificant

And every destination seems to be the same.
We start to go nowhere when we all just want to be somewhere

You know exactly what it's like to survive. 

It's like writing poetry for grades

It's like having friends for status

It's like being late for work
It's like kissing for money
It's like reality that never stops hitting
It's like THIS

We have all gotten stuck just trying to survive. 

Just Trying to survive Day in and day out.

Because there are some of us that would rather survive than be alive.

But, Last night the sky painted this city a lovely shade of pink and blue and I decided it wasn't surviving.

It was living. 

Ya'll we need to start living. 

I know that is such a cliché

But hell, this highschool is a cliché

Let me just tell you that there are Moments to survive.

Moments to be a robot.
Moments to follow street lamps and green lights.

And moments to live in déjà vu.

But there are also moments to live for.

I want to live.

So, Let's Start living for something. 

I need more film.

I'm in need of some fresh air.

Some brick walls, some city people, and some new Polaroids because these old ones are getting stale.

I'm in need of something new 

Because you're getting stale too.

The car rides, the mountain adventures, and the love letters.

Stale.

And I still think it's ironic how you started to drink cold medicine just because you were cold not because you were sick.

I'm still trying to remember the first photo we took together, I think it was somewhere between pine trees and an innocent romance.

My SD card is still full those of memories that send shivers down my spine.

in a good way.

in a bad way.

in an old way.

I need a new way.

this world moves far too fast to be living in the past.

I want to get in my car right now and drive somewhere new, take a new photograph, and hang it up on my wall.

but I'm stuck at work biting my lip,

in hope that a little bit of blood might give me some perspective.

I want to step out of high school halls and into great nothingness. 

But, all these memories of you are keeping my shoelaces tied together.

I tried to send you a postcard so I could have an excuse as to why you won't talk to me anymore.

but I still remember why.

god, I need some new memories.

So for the love of new perspectives,

please get out of my head.

Because I don't want to become stale too.

Looking For Alaska

I could easily read this book 10 times.

Then 10 times more.

"Y'all smoke to enjoy it. I smoke to die."

Smoke

Smoke 

Smoke 

the beauty of smoke is only caught in a glimpse of death. 

waiting for a train that will never come, always filled with regret.

Smoke

Smoke 

Smoke

The closest thing to ever touch such beautiful and addicted lips.

There is something about smoke.

Release 

Release

Release

Tragic. Beautiful. inspiring.

Looking For Alaska - John Greene